Dear Shopkeepers/Retail Clerks of Forest Hills (and occasionally Manhattan):
In the interest of clarity, time-saving, goodwill towards men and all that (ho-ho-ho!), please look over the following conversational tid-bits that I utter whilst browsing so that you may better understand their/my meaning:
"This is cute, Auds!" [as muttered to my daughter]
(I can't believe someone would buy a Burberry coat for their toddler! I'm shocked at the price, but I'm trying to mask my surprise in idle conversation. Please do not approach me about this garment; I'm not interested.)
"I'm not sure I need so much/that size ..."
(Can you show me something smaller and cheaper? I'm not made of money.)
"I'm looking for a gift for a wedding/birthday/shower."
(I'm killing time in your store, but since you won't leave me alone, I'm making up that I'm shopping for something which is really far in the future so I don't look like a vagrant. Note that I'm not fabricating the event, but the time frame in which I have to shop for it.)
"I'll have to talk it over with my husband"
(This is pricier than I imagined it would be, and I wish I hadn't shown so much interest so as to give you false hope. I am using my spouse as an excuse for leaving without buying anything.)
"I'm just starting to look for [insert piece of furniture]" or "I'm still pricing out [insert piece of furniture]"
(I'm absolutely not going to buy this from you today, so stop hovering. This is usually said right before I leave.)
Enjoy the holidays, and much success with your [other] customers!
xoxo Lauren
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